Copyright © 1999 Ed Ladeur,

Monthly "Eddie-Torial"

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To carry on from the March Eddie-Torial, the rest of 1999 will focus on our attitudes into the new millennium. This month I want to address the question of 'love', probably because spring has finally poked its head around the corner, the copious amount of snow which turned to ice is slowly melting and a person's fancy turns to love...er...spring fever. Will our attitudes change over the next while about love, infatuation and marriage?

Now the first question I can anticipate coming to me after you read this is; "Are you an authority on love?" Of course I am, and so are you. (I am assuming that we are all adults of reason.) Our attitude to love may be different, but in the end it comes out as the same product, with the same myths, and the same emotions. (Very important in this article...remember the word attitude.

First of all, do people really 'fall' in love, you know that puppy-dog look in someone's face, the following around of another person. The answer must be 'absolutely NOT' in real life. On the television 'yes' because the program is only 22 minutes long. But in real life this is infatuation, not love. People can fall in 'lust', which is an instantaneous emotion or state of being for a man. For a woman it is the same, only a bit slower, because she usually needs to put a reason to it. A man needs no reason, he only knows that his heart beats faster and stronger when his 'love' walks into his presence. So the term of this type of intimacy, when someone says; "My heart beats for you" is really meaning: "My adrenal glands are going crazy". Ah, but you can't stop romance, and with some luck, and time, this 'falling in love' may turn into real love, the partnership for life type. So getting back to the real thing, infatuation is instantaneous, love grows with time. It cannot ever be otherwise.

Many marriages in this past century have fallen apart, but then so many have been based on this 'falling' business. Much more to the point...we march into love, with one eye closed and the other eye on a bodily attribute. Among us men, before the marriage idea comes into a relationship and in the privacy of the locker rooms at work or at play our conquests of 'lust' are openly discussed...and usually some older shmendrik will say; "Jeepers, is that all you're interested in? What about her mind?" The answer usually comes; "I'm not interested in her mind!". At this point we are all mindless, because our minds get in the way of our hormonal urges (and no one ever taught us how to control them).

If you consider yourself as having 'fallen in love' you will also soon 'fall out of love'. This is usually the cause of great pain, because we are not aware of the differences between falling (an accident) and marching (a deliberate act). Can we recover, can we heal, can we love someone else? Yes on all three counts. Recovery comes with the realization that 'it is over and that's the end of it, (besides I really didn't love her/him in the true sense). Healing comes with time, and a renewed interest in looking for love again. And yes, with that comes the next Mr or Mrs 'X'. Many people go through therapy because their whole life/love revolves around this defunct relationship, little realizing that life goes on, and so do they. Of course they can get involved in another relationship, if only it wasn't so painful. I was married and 'x-ed' twice, and anyone who keeps making the same mistake has about as much brain power as a broom handle.

We are all under the impression that there is a special person for us somewhere in this world. In my case I strongly suspect that some guy is going around with two women...We are a product of circumstances, where we live, when we live, our own methods of dealing with our emotions. We often hear that opposites attract. In love they can but for only a very short time. Once you experience these differences and there are no obvious similarities then the relationship must end. There is nothing in common being used as a glue to keep people together. It is the similarities that draw us together, over time cementing a bond which proves that real love is stronger when people are together than when they are apart. This bonding needs to set over time, unless they invent a super-glue for love. But true love comes to all of us at some time and is usually quite secure if we don't mess it up. So now the other idiotic expressions come out of our mouths...."You're my one and only shmoe"...and she asks; "Do you love me?"...he replies; "Of course I do."...she asks; "Love me enough to die for me?"...he answers (very carefully); "Errr...no, mine is an undying kind of love." Whew, saved by using his brain. Be careful what you promise in love, you may have to prove it. And once you cannot keep a promise in love it gets just a bit weaker. Never promise the moon. Love is not made of promises. Even the marriage vows leave a lot to be desired...do you promise...what poppycock. These vows should be affirmations, not promises. Love does not feed on promises, it feeds on mutual understanding and similar interests, respect, help, both physical and emotional togetherness, and most of all your attitude. Yes, that is what true love really is, stripped of everything...an attitude by both partners, to where their sharing is stronger together than either one is alone.

Whatever happened to waiting for your love, for your ship to come in? Seems that just about everyone is not even marching into love, but doing the Boston marathon. Remember, (if you can), the old attitude, almost a victorian one, of waiting for your one and only shmoe...and the admonishments from your parents and friends...be a gentleman, be a lady, nice girls don't...etc. One old spinster who I know lived by these rules and finally said to me one day over tea..."I've waited so long for my ship to come in my pier collapsed." But wonder of wonders, about three years after she said this to me she became engaged to a man she knew for over 20 years, who also had the same attitude to love. Perfect?...perhaps not, but thru thick and thin this relationship will stand the test of time...(once again, it takes 'time' to develop a true love).

Love is a fairy tale...NOT. Love is the most confusing human condition ever devised. Most of us are under the impression that jealousy is a sign of love or at least some part of it...it is not. It should never threaten love. We feel threatened because of personal insecurities. Our ego is threatened, we think we are going to lose something. Jealousy is a condition which shows that our love is insecure. Love is never having to say "I'm sorry". Whoever wrote this into the script of the movie 'Love Story' obviously doesn't know love from jelly beans. However, it was a catchy phrase and it went a long way, but gives us a totally opposite impression of love. Saying sorry is an important part of any relationship, and assuming that you're sorry just doesn't say it. You all know the old play on the word 'assume'...you will make an 'ass' out of 'u' and 'me'. Never assume anything in a relationship, for after the assuming comes ignoring. Assuming also comes with familiarity, and being comfortable in love is quite ok, as long as it does not include the previous two pitfalls.

So it is springtime and our fancy turns to love...for us single folk. We go looking for love, searching everywhere. We are under the impression that love is ours for the taking. But you can't find love, it will come of its own accord. Many of us will do the idiotic at this point. We buy soaps, personal grooming items, clothes, haircuts in an effort to look our best to be able to snare our prey. We even buy special underwear thinking it will attract a mate. A woman once bought the special brand of shampoo, which promised to make her look her best and make her hair feel really sexy. The picture on the label showed a babe hanging onto a hunk of a man. She did as was instructed on the bottle and went out. Nothing happened, not even one close encounter. The next day she went back to the store and went to see the complaints manager...they got married 3 weeks later. So then, we do ourselves up and go out to the nightclub, the local pub...and shop for that special someone. It is true that you can buy love (the very nearsighted type). You can also keep all the receipts, and if you own a company you can hide these costs in your operating expenses as entertainment. Ah, there is someone across the room, a dance or two later, and the conversation starts..."It's kismet: it's fate that brought us together"..."Lets live for the moment, for tonight"...she saiz; "I will hate myself in the morning"...he saiz; "Sleep late!"

We must always be optimistic about love, pessimists abound everywhere, usually it is those who don't understand it. Some people are just unlucky, and feel that they are also unlucky in love. Luck has nothing to do with it, oops, perhaps just the part where you finally meet that special life's partner, just happen to be in the right place at the right time. You know the unlucky-est man in the world...the guy who goes out and buys a new suit with two pairs or trousers and he burns a hole in the jacket. Reserve luck for the lotteries, drawing a number out of a hat, or surviving an earthquake. Love is intentional. When I was younger (much) I went around with a girl for awhile, had suppers at her parents' place. After about 3 months of this her father pulled me aside and asked what my intentions were. I, not knowing what to expect further said; "nothing". He promptly escorted me out of the house and told me not to come back. Turns out he was trying to marry his daughter off. She and I had already been through the scenario, the lines people give each other, the excuses for a long term relationship. I told her I was no good for her. This to me plainly said that I didn't want to get married. Let me impress on the ladies, when a fellah says this you had better believe and act on this line. The chances are that the guy is no good for you, and the likely hood that the marriage will work is about 2%. And when it finally comes to an end he will always say; "I told you so" in self-righteous indignation.

Now then, what will love be like in the next century. Taking into account the following "new" advancements (or regressions) perhaps love will not be needed at all. It will all be very pneumatic in the physical sense, but dry and unfulfilling psychologically.